"Organic" Catalog Edit
Hz. So Good recorded its entire catalog with a more organic-being-sounding voice.
"Welcome to our automated catalog. Let us be your gateway to what's new and exciting in the world of 24th century electronics. Through the pages of our automated catalog you will find gifts for the whole family. For Dad, look in Electronic Gadgets for our selection of stereo components. For Mom, peek into the Electronic Mommy for a variety of labor-saving devices and marital aids. For Sis and Little Brother, browse our Techno Tots toy department for the latest in electronic playboards."
"Shopping our automated catalog is as easy as snapping your digital appendages. Using your mouse or Tab key, simply point to the menu item of your choice and press Enter, or click the mouse button. Should you get confused, simply return to the top menu and begin anew. 'Thank you for choosing us for all your electronic needs. We know you'll find just what you're looking for, and if you don't, we're wrong, and you should look somewhere else.'"
"These special sale items are available for a limited time only. Availability is limited to items in stock, as-is only, no returns. Some items may be demo models, scratched, dented, or just not in very good shape. No warranties, expressed or implied, apply to these items. No refund or exchange."
"ReShrinkwrap 2000! Work for a large retail software chain? Like to take the products home and 'diddle' with them? The ReShrinkwrap 2000 re-shrink-wraps any size software box. Is that game new or used? Only you'll know for sure. Keep the customers guessin'. Dealers only, please. 1,033 buckazoids."
"Faux-Component Swiss Army Micro-Entertainment Center. Styled to look like a real set of miniature components, this is a complete home entertainment center in one 4" x 6" box. Includes CD-ROM unit, turntable, dual-cassette with "Hyperwow" and "MegaFlutter", unfolding 84" digital color projection multi-screen TV, corkscrew, and toothpick. 2,275 buckazoids. Back ordered, none currently available."
"Dodecaphonic AroundSound Processor. Ever notice how flat and unexciting normal stereophonic, quintophonic, and octophonic recordings are? With the Dodecaphonic AroundSound Processor, your music will seem to come from twelve directions: In front of you, behind you, either side of you, four midpoints in between, above you, below you, from inside of you, and from the upstairs neighbors! 877 buckazoids. Discontinued."
"CDGIROMTV. Move over, CD-ROM, CD-G, CD-I, and CD-TV. CDGDIROMTV does everything the others do and more. Besides accepting the formats mentioned above, CDGIROMTV also plays high-quality LaserDisc movies, sure to become popular any century now. 842 buckazoids. Estimated delivery: Summer, 2735."
"PocketPal Portable Terminal. 'Say! Is that a complete workstation in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?' Now you can carry the power of a dumb terminal around with you without even creasing your jumpsuit. Includes Chiclet-style keyboard and Dentyne-style mouse. 3,406 buckazoids."
"PocketPal Connector. If you're a proud owner of our ever-popular PocketPal Portable Terminal, you have no doubt noticed that, without the proper connector, it is virtually useless! Fortunately, at this moment, our exclusive PocketPal Connector is on sale for just 1,999 buckazoids. Get yours now before the price goes up even further."
"Iceman Pocket Ice Machine. This miracle of modern engineering fits in purse or pocketbook and freezes 15 pounds of ice cubes per hour. Choose from ice slices, cubes, or crushed. Requires mini-hydrogen and oxygen canisters, sold separately. Breaks the ice at parties. 300 buckazoids. Recalled by manufacturer."
"Epi-Chia. Now you can remove unsightly Chia growth from upper lip, legs, bikini area, and small clay figurines. Painless and electronic. Almost tickles once you get used to it. Instantly cauterizes major blood vessels. Battery operated. 32-volt drycell not included. 32 buckazoids. Not available in the spiral arm."
"Dandy Recipe Beamer. Imagine the situation: The ambassador from Kerona is coming for dinner and all you have handy is is a can of condensed Cream-of-Orat soup and a box of nano-wafers. You punch the appropriate buttons on your Recipe Beamer and instantly we beam the perfect recipe to you! Over 18 trillion recipes collected from all over the universe just to make meal planning easier. 455 buckazoids. Estimated date of uplink: November, 2803."
"Cyber-Depunker. If your offspring is turning out to be 'just another rotten cyberpunk', you need the Cyber-Depunker. Works while your child sleeps to replace black-market implants and removes anti-productive attitudes. May cause some motor-impairment and memory loss, but isn't that a small price to pay? Battery operated. 580 buckazoids. Currently under U.C.C. investigation."
"Armatroid 2500. A remote control toy for all ages. The Armatroid 2500 is a mobile robotic arm that can swivel, turn, pick up light objects, tear wings off of flies, disembowel small mammals, and perform elective surgery. Teaches hand-eye coordination, elementary physics, and self-control. 35 buckazoids. Sold out."
"YoBot, the Ramboid Robot. Having YoBot in the house is like having an extra playmate around. Armed to the teeth with bazookas, laser pistols, and authentic live nuclear warhead! Responds to voice commands with an authoritative, 'Yo!'. 69 buckazoids. Discontinued."
"Whether Radio. Hours of fun! Press the bar and get a burst of static. If you can figure out whether or not it's a radio, you're smarter than we are. Ability to pull in stations and reproduce sounds not included. 20 buckazoids. Due to delay in manufacturing, this item is not yet available."
"Universal Remote Control. Control the entire universe with one remote control. Open garage doors on other planets. Turn off crucial life-support systems on passing spaceships. Terrify primitive cultures. Requires one AAA battery, not included. 1,050 buckazoids. Sold out."
Behind the ScenesEdit
- EpiChia is a parody of Chia Pets, a popular brand of teracotta figurines in which plant seeds are grown to resemble fur.
- "Universal remote controls" exist in reality, but are designed to control televisions and related devices rather than every device in the known universe.
- "Whether radio" is a parody of weather radios, AM radios once used in emergencies to check the weather situation in such conditions as blizzards and hurricanes
- "nanowafers" exist in reality, but are medical
- "CDI" is likely a reference to the Philips CD-i, a failed video game console
- "CDTV" is likely a reference to the Commodore CDTV, a failed video game console and home entertainment system
- The Armatroid 2500 is likely a reference to the T-5000 from The Terminator
- The term "Cyberpunk" was coined in 1983 in a short story by Bruce Bethke
- LaserDisc was a form of media that acted as the precursor to the compact disc. Introduced in 1978, it was ultimately discontinued in 2001.