Monolith Burger

From Space Quest Omnipedia

One of Monolith Burger's 2.5 million franchises.

Open to everyone who can follow their simple "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy, Monolith Burger offers a completely unhealthy menu for those among you who just can't live without fast food. Their franchises are frequented by uncountable species every day. They even offer a full-featured arcade featuring such classics as Astro Chicken, for those who aren't entertained solely by their food.

The only fast food chain to survive the infamous "Food Wars", Monolith has reached the highest level in the fast-food industry by getting mentioned in the Galactic Inquirer, and who can blame them - their "food" is revolting!

They offer fly-through service, which is open late for your convenience.

The Monolith Burger Menu, the same as used throughout the universe.

The decor, like the menu, is the same throughout the galaxy. Booths with plastomold seats and tables are available for your discomfort, and a menu will be hanging from the ceiling over the counter.

Their menu includes originally-named items such as the Monolith, the Mini Monolith and the Jumbo Monolith. For the more adventurous, the Filet-O-Orat is available. Most of their menu items are available with Polycheeze. For the kids, the Monolith Fun Meal is available, which comes complete with a toy for only 7 buckazoids! Parents of course pay this rip-off price in order to avoid the wrath of their kids.

All of Monolith's sales employees are highly trained in the art of suggestive selling (also known as "not taking no for an answer".) Therefore, you will find that all of your meals WILL come with the optional Space Spuds and of course a drink of either Tang or Sloppy Slurper. All food comes in the classic, dirt cheap, Monolith Food Bags.

Monolith's Galaxy Galleria Branch

For the ultra-adventurous, try the Big Belcher Combo. This includes a Jumbo Monolith with Polycheeze, Space Spuds with Extra Grease, and a Sloppy Slurper! All for only 9 buckazoids. Also, if you are lucky enough to be in the SQ10 period, try their amazing Monolith Slugburger Combo.

If their food needs that little bit extra, they have two synthesized versions of ancient vegetable sauces: their famous Mono Sauce (a.k.a. Ketchup) and their famous Mono Sauce No. 2 (a.k.a. Mustard).

As well as more conventional advertisements, Monolith Burgers are also known for their outrageous marketing gimmicks. In February 3009, Monolith hired a convincing Elvis lookalike to work behind the counter in order to promote their new Banana Sandwich Combo. It apparently worked, as they ended up on page 6 of the Galactic Inquirer.

Although some franchises only employ males, Monolith Burger is an excellent place to work, with raving testimonials from ex-employees, such as Roger Wilco. Promotion prospects are excellent, in fact, Roger was told he could become Assistant Manager if he stayed with the company for half an hour. For those working in the kitchen, they offer the excellent wage of 1 buckazoid per burger. They also allow you to start slowly, and don't expect you to be an expert until you have worked there for several minutes. They also have a very fair disciplinary system, allowing a full ten mistakes before you are fired, and there is always the possibility of second chances. Monolith Burger runs an Employee of the Week award every Week. The Employee of the Week for the outer space establishment, every Week, is Brfngnlx Ykzyxzk. Hiring is done through a very brief interview with the manager. The Galaxy Galleria branch of Monolith Burger is run by a gruff pachyderm and/or pig-like individual, who advertises for staff in Popular Janitronics magazine.

[edit] Behind the Scenes

Monolith Burger's burgers are created on their MasterBurger 2000, and condiments are then placed on them. They are then warmed in the microwave before being served. Strangely enough, the condiments at Monolith Burger appear to be at least semi-sentient.

[edit] Perma-Bun

"I'm your Perma-Buns." (info)
"I'm your Perma-Buns. Nothing goes outta here unless it's in me!"

"I smell like..." (info)
"I smell like any other set of 299-year-old buns."

"While I have absolutely no taste..." (info)
"I'm a Perma-Bun. While I have absolutely no taste, I do have a shelf-life of 3 centuries."

[edit] Ketchup

"Hello. I'm the ketchup." (info)
"Hello. I'm the ketchup. Did you know there's more sugar in me than in ice cream? It's a fact."

"Yeah, that's right. No smell." (info)
"Yeah, that's right. No smell. Better no smell than a bad one."

"I'm the best little condiment..." (info)
"I'm the best little condiment you ever tasted. You know I am, really. I'm not kidding, I am!"

"Squeeze me, for a plop of catsup." (info)
"Squeeze me, for a plop of catsup. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!"

[edit] Lettuce

"I'm Lettuce. Real Old Lettuce." (info)
"I'm Lettuce. Real Old Lettuce. Lay me down on the burger. I like to go first."

"Get yer nose off me!" (info)
"Get yer nose off me! What do I look like, a nostril mat?"

"I taste like an old leaf..." (info)
"I'm Lettuce. I taste like an old leaf, OK?"

[edit] Mayonnaise

"Hi. I'm Mayonnaise." (info)
"Hi. I'm Mayonnaise. I'm cholesterol-laden and ready to clog an artery when given the chance."

"Don't bother..." (info)
"Don't bother. I'm really quite bland."

"Some people think..." (info)
"Some people think I taste oily. I don't think so. Do you?"

"Don't look now..." (info)
"Don't look now, I'm dressing!"

"Squeeze me for a plop of mayonnaise..." (info)
"Squeeze me for a plop of mayonnaise, you knucklehead!"

[edit] Mustard

"I'm your mustard." (info)
"I'm your mustard. Squeeze me."

"Pungent, eh?" (info)
"Pungent, eh?"

"Go ahead. Take a big lick..." (info)
"Go ahead. Take a big lick of ol' Mr. Mustard. You'll be sorry."

"Squeeze me for a plop of mustard." (info)
"Squeeze me for a plop of mustard."

[edit] Pickle

"Bite me..." (info)
"Bite me, I'm a pickle!"

"I smell like vinegar..." (info)
"I'm the pickle. I smell like vinegar on a spring morning."

"I taste like..." (info)
"I taste like crunchy toe-jam sauted in vinegar."