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Monolith Burger

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Monolithship

One of Monolith Burger's 2.5 million franchises scattered around the known universes (in the future this has increased to over one billion branches[1]).

Their motto is, "Just for the krill of it."[2]

Monolith Burger is a subsidiary of Monolith Synthetic Industries, Inc.. It is a popular or unpopular (depending on ones perspective) fast food chain scattered throughout the known universes. With locations such as the Monolith Burger Fast Food Dive in Sector 62, and the Galaxy Galleria location.

BackgroundEdit

Open to everyone who can follow their simple "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy, Monolith Burger offers a completely unhealthy menu for those among you who just can't live without fast food. Their franchises are frequented by uncountable species every day. They even offer a full-featured arcade featuring such classics as Astro Chicken, for those who aren't entertained solely by their food.

Monolith Burger is the most ubiquitous fast food franchise in all of the known space. Founded centuries ago by Megalith ik'Monolith--a Stoneoid from Accretion XXIV.[3] The only fast food chain to survive the infamous "Food Wars"[4], Monolith has reached the highest level in the fast-food industry by getting mentioned in the Galactic Inquirer, and who can blame them - their "food" is revolting, having once been described by Roger Wilco as tasting like "the slick skin of a Vorlian mucusworm". In fact, Roger also famously noted that the food at Monolith looks less like food the more one makes the mistake of looking at it.

Monolith Burger serves up the most generic chow along the spaceways. Greasy, tepid, over-salted and under-carbonated burgers, fries, shakes, organic and non-organic salads, krill cookies, and artificially flavored and sweetened whipped petroleum byproduct sundaes. It's food just like mother used to make. It sticks to your ribs, and stays there for a long time. There are separate menus for most sentient species, all of which receive the same warm reviews. It has been estimated that over the centuries, Monolith Burger has sold enough burgers to stretch around the Milky Way a thousand times, if placed end to end. Double or triple that number if you include fries. The most amazing fact is that, if someone were to actually put all of those fries or burgers in a row, Monolith Burger guarantees that the first one in line will be just as fresh and tasty as the last. And, vice versa. Guarenteed. Or your money back.[5]

They offer fly-through service, which is open late for your convenience.

Monolithmenu

The Monolith Burger Menu, the same as used throughout the universe.

The decor, like the menu, is the same throughout the galaxy. Booths with plastomold seats and tables are available for your discomfort, and a menu will be hanging from the ceiling over the counter. When entering their local Monolith restaurant, customers will no doubt be able to notice the delicious aroma of home-cooked food - a smell insidiously piped in by the company in order to mask the odor of the real food.

Their menu includes originally-named items such as the Monolith, the Mini Monolith and the Jumbo Monolith. For the more adventurous, the Filet-O-Orat is available. Most of their menu items are available with Polycheeze. For the kids, the Monolith Fun Meal is available, which comes complete with the Monolith Burger Prize o' the Day, a toy for only 7 buckazoids! Parents of course pay this rip-off price in order to avoid the wrath of their kids.

Dressed in their crisply starched uniforms - which may possibly be made of the same substance as the food itself - all of Monolith's sales employees are highly trained in the art of suggestive selling (also known as "not taking no for an answer".) Therefore, you will find that all of your meals WILL come with the optional Space Spuds and of course a drink of either Tang or Sloppy Slurper. All food comes in the classic, dirt cheap, Monolith Food Bags.

MonolithExterior

Monolith's Galaxy Galleria Branch

For the ultra-adventurous, try the Big Belcher Combo. This includes a Jumbo Monolith with Polycheeze, Space Spuds with Extra Grease, and a Sloppy Slurper! All for only 9 buckazoids. Also, if you are lucky enough to be in the SQ10 period, try their amazing Monolith Slugburger Combo.

If their food needs that little bit extra, they have two synthesized versions of ancient vegetable sauces: their famous Mono Sauce (a.k.a. Ketchup) and their famous Mono Sauce No. 2 (a.k.a. Mustard).

As well as more conventional advertisements, Monolith Burgers are also known for their outrageous marketing gimmicks. In February 3009, Monolith hired a convincing Elvis lookalike to work behind the counter in order to promote their new Banana Sandwich Combo. It apparently worked, as they ended up on page 6 of the Galactic Inquirer.

Although some franchises only employ males, Monolith Burger is an excellent place to work, with raving testimonials from ex-employees, such as Roger Wilco. Promotion prospects are excellent, in fact, Roger was told he could become Assistant Manager if he stayed with the company for half an hour. For those working in the kitchen, they offer the excellent wage of 1 buckazoid per burger. They also allow you to start slowly, and don't expect you to be an expert until you have worked there for several minutes. They also have a very fair disciplinary system, allowing a full ten mistakes before you are fired, and there is always the possibility of second chances. Monolith Burger runs an Employee of the Week award every Week. The Employee of the Week for the outer space establishment, every Week, is Brfngnlx Ykzyxzk. Hiring is done through a very brief interview with the manager. The Galaxy Galleria branch of Monolith Burger is run by a gruff pachyderm and/or pig-like individual, who advertises for staff in Popular Janitronics magazine.


MenuEdit

Menu may vary depending on Monalith Burger location (some items may be secret menu items not appearing on standard menu).

DrinksEdit

DesertsEdit

Condiments & ToppingsEdit

Jones in the Fast Lane (Menu)Edit

  • Hamburger[9]
  • Cheeseburger[10]
  • Fries[11]
  • Shakes[12]
  • Colas[13]
  • Licorice 'n' Liver Shake[14]
  • Taco Releno[15]
  • Astro Chicken[16]
  • Chocolate Like (R) Cookie Shards
Monolith

ProductionEdit

Monolith Burger's burgers are created on their MasterBurger 2000. Here, condiments and buns are placed on the burgers in an assembly line fashion. They are then warmed in a microwave or under warming lights before being served. The concept of "food hygiene" seemingly being completely unknown at Monolith, the food is often left out under the warming lights for a long time until a sucker dumb enough to order it comes along.

Strangely enough, the condiments used by Monolith Burger appear to be at least semi-sentient - a fact which becomes apparent if the player attempts to converse with, smell or taste them during the Space Quest X time period.

Perma-BunEdit

PermaBun
Speaker

"I'm your Perma-Buns. Nothing goes outta here unless it's in me!"

Bun-UnlessItsInMe

"I smell like any other set of 299-year-old buns."

Bun-299YearOld

"I'm a Perma-Bun. While I have absolutely no taste, I do have a shelf-life of 3 centuries."

Bun-ImaBun

KetchupEdit

Ketchup
Speaker

"Hello. I'm the ketchup. Did you know there's more sugar in me than in ice cream? It's a fact."

Ketchup-ImtheKetchup

"Yeah, that's right. No smell. Better no smell than a bad one."

Ketchup-NoSmell

"I'm the best little condiment you ever tasted. You know I am, really. I'm not kidding, I am!"

Ketchup-BestTaste

"Squeeze me, for a plop of catsup. Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!"

Catsup

LettuceEdit

Lettuce
Speaker

"I'm Lettuce. Real Old Lettuce. Lay me down on the burger. I like to go first."

Lettuce-ImLettuce

"Get yer nose off me! What do I look like, a nostril mat?"

Lettuce-NoseOffMe

"I'm Lettuce. I taste like an old leaf, OK?"

Lettuce-TasteLikeOldLeaf

MayonnaiseEdit

Mayonnaise
Speaker

"Hi. I'm Mayonnaise. I'm cholesterol-laden and ready to clog an artery when given the chance."

Mayo-ImMayo

"Don't bother. I'm really quite bland."

Mayo-ReallyQuiteBland

"Some people think I taste oily. I don't think so. Do you?"

Mayo-TasteOily

"Don't look now, I'm dressing!"

Mayo-DontLook

"Squeeze me for a plop of mayonnaise, you knucklehead!"

Mayo-Stooge

MustardEdit

Mustard
Speaker

"I'm your mustard. Squeeze me."

Mustard-ImYourMustard

"Pungent, eh?"

Mustard-Pungent

"Go ahead. Take a big lick of ol' Mr. Mustard. You'll be sorry."

Mustard-TakeaLick

"Squeeze me for a plop of mustard."

Mustard-Stooge

PickleEdit

Pickle
Speaker

"Bite me, I'm a pickle!"

Pickle-BiteMe

"I'm the pickle. I smell like vinegar on a spring morning."

Pickle-SmellLikeVinegar

"I taste like crunchy toe-jam sauted in vinegar."

Pickle-CrunchyToeJam

Behind the ScenesEdit

Monolith Burger and its logo are both spoofs on McDonald's Corporation. The mention of how the burgers served by Monolith taste like the "skin of a Vorlian mucusworm" might possibly be in reference to an urban legend concerning how McDonalds supposedly use worm meat as a "filler" in their burgers.

Monolith Burger is featured in SQ3, SQ4, and one of the Nick's Picks Space Quest Minigames.

Monolith Burger also appears in Jones in the Fast Lane, another Sierra title. The cashier reveals that there are 45 calories per french fry, and that the burgers are poached (as opposed to broiled or fried). They also sell "preadolescent irradiated kung fu tortoise" figurines (a reference to the popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series). They also use "less soy" in their burgers, and deep fry everything (including their drinks).

The unhealthy attributes of the JITFL food is a parody of the criticism of the quality and nutrition of McDonald's food (and fast food in general). Such places have gradually improved their quality since the release of the films Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation. The cashier in JITFL whispers to the customer that "the manager wishes to abolish minimum wage". This refers to the fact that most fast food workers are paid minimum wage.

ReferencesEdit

  1. SQC, 240
  2. SQC2E, 239
  3. SQC, 158
  4. SQ4
  5. SQC, 158
  6. SQC, 354
  7. Narrator (SQ1VGA):"You decide you'd rather have a cheeseburger, and you wonder: do they have a Monolith Burger somewhere in the neighborhood?"
  8. SQC2E, 336
  9. Jones in the Fast Lane
  10. Jones in the Fast Lane
  11. Jones in the Fast Lane
  12. Jones in the Fast Lane
  13. Jones in the Fast Lane
  14. Jones in the Fast Lane
  15. Jones in the Fast Lane
  16. Jones in the Fast Lane
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