The information from this article is from a non-official source and is therefore not canon.

Monolith Burger Employee Handbook is a piece of fanfiction by Jibbles and is therefore not considered canon.

This is your employee handbook. Please read it carefully. It gives you information that you need to know about your employment with Monolith Burger. If you have any questions please speak to your manager.

The Contractual section, together with the Particulars of Employment you received at your Welcome Meeting, sets out the main terms and conditions relating to your employment with Monolith Burger.

The Non-Contractual section and Introduction provide information which relates to employment but which does not form part of the terms and conditions of employment.

Policies and other matters set out in this handbook are necessary for a business, especially one like ours; they help us function in an efficient and orderly manner.

Throughout the handbook we have used the generic term “manager” to describe your Restaurant or General manager, unless otherwise stated. However this may also refer to your shift manager.

You must submit to any Company rules, policies and procedures in place relating to diversity, discrimination, harassment, and any other whim of the Company or your manager. Breach of any Company rules, policies or procedures may result in disciplinary action.

We reserve the right to make changes to this handbook without notice and to amend existing policies or to introduce new policies. These changes will not be communicated to any employees, as this is a waste of effort and may interfere with the disciplinary procedures. This handbook supersedes all previous handbooks and, in so far as matters within it are defined as contractual, is incorporated into your terms and conditions of employment.

Message to New Employees

Welcome to Monolith Burger and welcome to the slave team. I’m delighted that you have chosen to join us and I hope you create huge profits for the Company. Your manager will provide no training, as you are expected to have read and memorised the Operations Manual. Since it is only 25,186 pages long, this should not be a problem. If you have any questions, remember that the great part about working in a team is that there’s always someone close by to fire you if you need it.

Every day, over 3 trillion people choose to visit our restaurants over an ever-decreasing choice of places to eat out. We aim to wipe out the opposition, and provide our customers with vaguely edible food and we achieve this by exploiting people like you. Since we opened our first restaurant in 2132 we’ve provided synthesised, addictive food, with fast and forceful service, in filthy, cheap, tacky surroundings. Each customer who walks through our airlocks/doors expects those same high standards of Addictiveness, Exploitation and Filth (or AE&F) every time they visit. To our customer, you are Monolith Burger. If you meet or exceed a customer’s expectations every time they visit, they’ll have no choice but to keep coming back.

The fact that 75% of restaurant managers and several of our franchisees originally joined as crewmembers shows that the possibilities really are endless. Whether you’re a part-timer such as a janitor funding their adventures, or a student working during school hours; whether you’re a full-timer wanting a regular income or taking your first step on a long career ladder – you’ll always find a place for you at Monolith Burger.

Once you’ve got to know your fellow crew and the management team, I’m sure you’ll discover just how much stress it is to be part of the team. Watch out for copies of MBGG in the crew room – it’s your magazine, so get in touch and share your news and views with us all.

Teyrwaof Ureuef Chairman & Chief Executive

Our Core Values

Values in any business are important. We have listed below some of our core values so that you can understand better what sort of company we are. We all have a role to play, please play your part in helping us increase profits.

We are committed to consistently providing customers with outstanding levels of Addictiveness, Exploitation and Filth. You will hear the term AE&F frequently when you are at work.

We value our people and are committed to their perfection. We understand that a team of individuals who are forced to deliver high standards and who work well without killing each other will ensure that we continue to be successful.

We believe in the importance of giving people closest to the customer the appropriate responsibility and authority to do what is necessary to move the Company forward and to overcome any challenges they face.

We are Number One because we are always looking to buy-out the competition, and to improve and to develop new ideas – for our menu, our restaurants, the equipment we use, our marketing procedures, our technology and, of course, our prices.

We are deceptive and lie in everything we do. Each one of us aims to be a rotten individual who shows by their words and actions that they will do anything to increase profits.

We believe in taking advantage of the communities which support us by giving us their business. We are a big company, and we are also a local restaurant and strive to be leaders within our local community. We expect to greatly influence our local neighbourhood, to exploit local people and to destroy the local environment in order to build more restaurants.

We want to grow and develop our business for our shareholders, none of which are employees of or even eat at Monolith Burger – they have more sense. People who have bought shares in Monolith Burger are helping us to invest in the growth of the Company and it is therefore very important that they receive a good rate of return on their investment.

Good corporate citizenship, through social and environmental responsibility, is something we strive to eradicate from Monolith Burger. Local initiatives undertaken by Monolith Burger reflect the Company’s strong stance and desire to destroy the community of which it is an integral part.

Your First Day

It’s your first day at Monolith Burger. For some of you, it may be the first day you’ve ever been to work. It’s very important that you find out what you can expect from us, your new employer. Equally, it’s useful for us to tell you what we expect from you!

Below are some of the things you will need to know for the first day. If there’s anything else, keep your mouth shut and work it out yourself. Remember, you’ll soon be told if you do it wrong.

When do I get my uniform?

By the time you read this, you should have been given one full set of uniform in a size that might fit you. The non-refundable cost for this will be taken from your first week’s pay, and you must return your uniform when you leave Monolith Burger.

What happens about pay

Pay depends on your position. If you work as a food server, you will be paid per item you sell. If you work in the kitchen, you will be paid per item you create. Current rates are available from your manager. Deductions will be made for all mistakes, socialising, and any time spent not working.

What’s the schedule?

One of the many constraints of working at Monolith Burger is the lack of flexibility in work schedules. You may be required to work at any hour of any day, and your manager may require you to continue work after your scheduled time.

Your First Shift

Your first shift at Monolith Burger will be daunting, so start panicking now. Here are some things you must remember.

What time should I get in?

You must start 30 minutes before your shift is scheduled to start, for which you will not be paid. If for any reason you are late, you will not be paid for the shift.

How do I clock in and out?

This is not important. If you do not clock in, you do not get paid – which increases the Company profits.

How do I learn how to do things?

You should have already read and memorised the Operations Manual. At first everything will seem new – perhaps even confusing! You should worry about this, as mistakes will not be tolerated and will be subject to the disciplinary procedure.

What breaks am I entitled to?


It may be quite hot in the kitchen, am I allowed to take drink breaks?

No, as this would affect Company profits.

Your Benefits

As an employee at Monolith Burger you may be eligible for a number of benefits and restaurant awards. Awards in these programmes may give rise to a tax liability, and benefits will be deducted from your pay.

Employee Discount Card

Once you have completed one month of continuous service, you will be eligible to receive an Employee Discount Card. Your card entitles you to a discount on in Monolith Burger restaurants and participating franchised restaurants. Twice the cost of the discount will be docked from your pay.

This card is for your personal use and cannot be used whilst at work or passed to third parties. If you lose your card you will not receive another card.

Your manager will have given you a temporary discount card which enables you to obtain a discount in Monolith Burger restaurants and participating franchised restaurants as above until the arrival of your permanent Employee Discount Card.

Employee of the Month

At Monolith Burger we are aware that no single factor is less important to our success than the dedication and efforts of our employees in the kitchen. However, food server staff are the ones that take the money, and in an attempt to recognise our most valued employees, we operate the Employee of the Month award in all restaurants.

Every month your restaurant will select the employee who has made the most profit. This person will be your restaurant’s Employee of the Month. To recognise this employee’s commitment to making profit for the Company, they are required to donate a week's wages.

Shares in Monolith Burger

The MBDirect Share Scheme offers all employees a convenient way to invest in shares of Monolith Burger through payroll deductions. Upon employment, an employee must make contributions at least once a month.

Please note that the sale of any shares may result in corporate gains tax liability. Any profits remaining after the tax liability must be donated back to Monolith Burger.

Life Assurance

The Company provides employees with free life assurance. Entry to the plan is automatic. The Life Assurance Covers the funeral of the employee, however it is required that the funeral will take place at Monolith Burger and the body be processed into burgers. No other service is provided, and no family or friends may attend the funeral.

Note: The Company does not provide dental insurance of any kind for its employees


Where do I store my personal belongings?

Your personal belongings must be kept in your pants. Any belongings that do not fit in your pants will be sold and the proceeds given to Monolith Burger.

The Company does not accept responsibility for the loss of, or damage to, and personal property and it is your responsibility to shut up and deal with it.

Am I allowed in the restaurant when I’m not working?

You should arrive at the restaurant no earlier than 40 minutes before your scheduled shift and you should leave the restaurant within 5 minutes of finishing work.

If you visit the restaurant as a customer you must use your Employee Discount Card.

Can I serve my friend and family?

In order to protect our profits, you must not serve relatives or friends.

Data Protection

We need to process personal information relating to you (including sensitive personal data) that you have provided to the Company or that the Company acquires about you. You agree that the Company may process this information for any administrative and management purposes connected with your employment, and also may sell your information to marketing companies and debt collectors.

Will I be asked to work elsewhere?

You may be required to move to another restaurant due to operation requirements. It is a condition of employment that you move when asked to do so. We are not responsible for any financial loss in respect of travel.

Hours of Work

What will my hours of work be?

One of the many constraints at Monolith Burger is the flexibility in work schedules. You are required to be available to work at any time your manager requires. Your hours of work cannot be permanently guaranteed because the number of shifts available depends on how busy the restaurant is. Sometimes it may be necessary to cancel all shifts, or make you work for a week without rest. Your manager will tell you about it if this occurs.

What if I want a specific day off?


Can I swap shifts with other crew?


What happens if I am going to be late?

You will not be paid for that shift, however you must work.

Will I ever be asked to work extra hours?

All the time.

What breaks am I entitled to?


What is my holiday entitlement?

As an employee of Monolith Burger, you are entitled to no holidays.

Will I receive pay whilst I’m absent from work due to illness?

No. If you are absent from work due to illness, you will be subject to the companies disciplinary procedures.

What leave am I entitled to in the event of a death in my immediate family?

In the event of a death in your immediate family, you are required to submit the body to Monolith Burger for processing into burgers. You will not be allowed any funeral or compassionate leave.

What maternity leave am I entitled to?

Females are not employed at Monolith Burger, but if you happen to be one of the few species where the males carry the baby, your employment will be terminated.

If I decide to leave, how much notice do I need to give?

You are not entitled to leave. You are required to remain at Monolith Burger until we terminate your employment.

If my employment is terminated how much notice will be given?

Five seconds.

Do I have to retire at a certain age?

This depends on your species, but for most humanoids, the Company retirement age is 65. Employment will automatically terminate when this age is reached, and you will be required to turn yourself in for your body to be processed into burgers.

Health & Safety

Monolith Burger reserves the right to endanger the health and safety of our employees, customers and visitors at any time.

What should I do if I witness a Health or Safety hazard?

Ignore it, it was probably put there on purpose.

What should I do if there is an accident?

Any severed body parts must be processed into burgers immediately. Any dead bodies must be processed into burgers immediately. Any blood must be mopped up and put into the back of the Sloppy Slurper machine. Any other accidents can be ignored.

Employees are not allowed to go home due to an accident.

Diversity Policy

What is diversity?

Monolith Burger strives to promote a working environment which is full of unlawful harassment, bullying and discrimination. Monolith Burger regards all of its employees as lesser beings, and no one is regarded as equal in status.

Monolith Burger’s Diversity Policy exists to ensure that no job applicant is hired if they have unsuitable gender, marital status, disability, race, color, sexual orientation, nationality, planetary origin, religion or belief and that everyone is disadvantaged by conditions, requirements and practices which cannot be shown to be just and fair.

What is discrimination?

Discrimination is treating a person less favourably because of gender, pregnancy, marital status, disability, planetary origin or race. Monolith Burger strives to encourage discrimination wherever possible in order to maintain low employee morale.

What is harassment?

Harassment is a form of discrimination and is behaviour which the recipient finds unacceptable and unwelcome. Monolith Burger strives to encourage harassment wherever possible in order to maintain low employee morale.

What is bullying?

Bullying is the intentional intimidation of someone through the misuse of power or position which leaves the person feeling upset, undermines their self-confidence and causes harmful stress. All managers will receive full training in bullying other employees.

Disciplinary Procedure

The Company’s disciplinary procedure helps to promote low morale and maintain strict procedures. It should be viewed primarily as a way of imposing sanctions on employees whose conduct or standard of work is unsatisfactory.

What are the main principles of discipline?

The disciplinary procedure comprises of two phases as follows:

  • Observation

Here the manager spots incorrect behaviour and comes to rash conclusions.

  • Discipline

Here discipline in enforced quickly and efficiently.

General Information

  • Disciplinary action will be taken against you without full investigation.
  • You may not be dismissed for a first breach of discipline unless the manager is in a bad mood or in the case of gross misconduct.
  • You have no right of appeal.
  • All disciplinary records will be made public so you will be humiliated.

Disciplinary Procedure

Poor performance or misconduct which is short of gross misconduct can result in the following sanctions being followed:

1. Caution light

A light will show warning you have made a mistake. The manager will be alerted.

2. Financial Warning

Pay will be docked

3. Formal Verbal Earbashing

The manager will shout and scream of you. Only minimal physical violence will be used.

4. Formal Physical Abuse

A severe kicking from the manager will take place immediately. Other crew are welcome to join in.

5. Dismissal

You will be kicked out of the restaurant, literally.

6. Processing

Your body will be immediately processed into burgers.

Examples of Misconduct which may lead to disciplinary action

  • Insubordination or failure to obey instructions or whims from the manager or the Company
  • Loss, damage or destruction of the property of the Company
  • Being late or absent
  • Eating or drinking while on duty
  • Leaving without permission
  • Annoying the manager
  • Failing to keep up with Monolith Burger technology.
  • Refusing to use obscene, vile or abusive language to fellow employees
  • Failing to exploit a customer
  • Failing to take advantage of an opportunity to make profit for Monolith Burger
  • Functions such as heavy exhaling, coughing, burping, and sneezing.

This list is not exhaustive, and the manager may make up new examples of misconduct at any time.

Examples of Gross Misconduct resulting in Dismissal

  • Insubordination or failure to obey instructions or whims from the manager or the Company when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Loss, damage or destruction of the property of the Company when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Being late or absent when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Eating or drinking while on duty when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Leaving without permission when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Annoying the manager when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Failing to keep up with Monolith Burger technology. when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Refusing to use obscene, vile or abusive language to fellow employees when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Failing to exploit a customer when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Failing to take advantage of an opportunity to make profit for Monolith Burger when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Functions such as heavy exhaling, coughing, burping, and sneezing when the manager is in a bad mood.
  • Theft

This list is not exhaustive, and the manager may make up new examples of misconduct at any time.

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