Space Quest 4 Edit
"...see, there was this deadly root monster, a ferocious swamp creature, and a Labion Terror Beast to contend with. Then, I had to outsmart another of Vohaul's gorillas and steal the shuttle, so I could penetrate the asteroid fortress and pull the plug on that corpulent creep once and for all. Yeah, all in a day's work for a guy like me.
"Anyway, I aborted the launch and jetted out of there in an escape pod. I crawled into the sleep chamber, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a trash freighter! Yeah, things didn't look too good, but I blasted out of the freighter in an old jalopy I resurrected from the rubble.
"What I didn't know was, I was being tailed by Arnoid The Annihilator, that one-man collection agency from Hell. He nearly had me at a tourist trap on Phleebhut, but at the last minute, I wiped him out.
"After that grueling experience, I thought I'd take it easy for a while. That's when I got the distress call from the Two Guys From Andromeda. You ever seen those guys? Geez, what a couple of geeks! Anyway, before I knew it, I was face-to-face with the most ruthless band of outlaws in the galaxy: The Pirates of Pestulon. I was lucky to get out of there with my skin, not to mention those two ingrates I dropped off on Earth. Why I risked my neck for those bozos, I'll never know.
"Yeah, I think I'm overdue for a vacation. I'm not even gonna think about anything brave or heroic for at least... ah, six months. I'll be kickin' back on some sandy beach, soakin' up X-rays. Heck, maybe I'll even check out RobertaLand."
"Thanks for saving me. I thought I was a goner!"
"Hey, I wanna know, what the f-"
"Roger coughs and sputters."
"Oooh, this doesn't taste good. Yuck!"
"Yuck! Seriously gross!"
"Ugh, (gulp) now that was a bitter section. I don't think I wanna lick the road around here anymore."
"How do I get into these situations?"
"Whoa! What was that?!"
"Help! A giant branch has penetrated my vital organs and I can't get up!"
"I said that?"
"Was that me?"
"Hey, what are you doin'?"
"Let me go, bi - witch!"
"Well, now wait a minute. Let's talk about this."
"What's goin' on in there?"
"I'm sorry. I lost my boots and the legs of my pants in a deadly fight with a giant sea slug, which I won in the nick of time with my clever thinking and my... uh... cleverness."
"Please help me, that other deal was a total misunderstanding. Anyway, as I said, I've misplaced the legs of my pants. My boots seem to be missing as well."
"Hey! That's a gilled thwarkeelambitross! I haven't seen one of those in years!"
"I'd like a..."
"I want a job."
"I can cook."
"Gee, thanks! What a swell boss!"
"Mmm... wild berry!"
"Oh! Real plastic!"
"Ahh... the smell of brand-new simulated fabric."
"I'm not sure... I think I'll just look around for a bit."
"Hello, I was hoping to make a purchase."
"Well, uh, this is kinda hard to explain."
"Um... I'm, uh... I'm not sure, but she's built about like me."
"Um... we're right."
"I think I'll wear it home."
"I'd still like to buy that dress. I'm terribly sorry about that little misunderstanding."
"Let's boogie, girls!"
"I sure know how to bust a move!"
"(feminine) *ahem* Yes, I want a job."
"(feminine) *gasp* Why, you male sexist pig!"
"Aw, cripes! I hate it when that happens."
"The Ulence Flats bar... my, this place brings back some memories... not!"
"Boy, that was close! Hey, how come their bikes can go through the forcefield?"
"Well... I gotta run, my hog pod's double parked. Hey, it's been swell talkin' to ya."
"Roger and Roger Jr. talking at the same time."
"Roger and Roger Jr. talking at the same time again."
"Were Vohaul's words true? Are you really my son? You do look a little like me, though not as good looking."
"You had to go back in time to get me? Why wasn't I available in this time? What happened to me? I don't understand."
"Hey, if you're my son, who's your mother, my wife? Where is she? Who is she?"
"What do you mean, 'Was quite beautiful'? What are you saying?"
"I don't believe all this! I'm so confused."
Hz. So Good Catalog Edit
In an alternate universe, Roger ended up reading the Hz. So Good catalog aloud himself instead of the Salesbot doing it. He also complained about the general lack of viability of most of the items offered...
"'ReShrinkwrap 2000. Work for a large retail software chain?' No. 'Like to take the products home and 'diddle' with them?' Not especially. 'The ReShrinkwrap 2000 re-shrinkwraps any size software box. Is that game new or used? Only you'll know for sure. Keeps the customers guessin'. Dealers only, please. 1,033 buckazoids.'"
"'Real-Rustic Faux-Component Swiss Army Micro-Entertainment Center. Styled to look like a real set of miniature components, this is a complete home entertainment center in one 4" x 6" box. Includes CD-ROM unit, turntable, dual-cassette with "Hyperwow" and "MegaFlutter," unfolding 84" digital color projection multi-screen TV, corkscrew, and toothpick. 2,275 buckazoids. Back ordered, none currently available.'"
"'Real-Rustic Dodecaphonic AroundSound Processor. Ever notice how flat and unexciting normal stereophonic, quintophonic, and octophonic recordings are? With the Real-Rustic Dodecaphonic AroundSound Processor, your music will seem to come from twelve directions: In front of you, behind you, either side of you, four midpoints, above you, below you, from inside of you, and from the upstairs neighbors! 877 buckazoids.' Discontinued? I wanted that!"
"'PocketPal Portable Terminal. 'Say! Is that a complete workstation in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?' Now you can carry the power of a dumb terminal around with you without even creasing your jumpsuit. Includes Chiclet-style keyboard and Dentyne-style mouse. 3,406 buckazoids.' Huh. That sounds pretty good."
"'PocketPal Connector. If you are a proud owner of our ever-popular PocketPal Portable Terminal, you have no doubt noticed that, without the proper connector, it is virtually useless! Fortunately, at this moment, our exclusive PocketPal Connector is on sale for just 1,999 buckazoids. Get yours now before the price goes up even further.' Wow."
"'Iceman Pocket Ice Machine. This miracle of modern engineering fits in purse or pocketbook and freezes 15 pounds of ice cubes per hour. Choose from ice slices, cubes, or crushed. Requires mini-hydrogen and oxygen canisters, sold separately. Breaks the ice at parties. 300 buckazoids. Recalled by manufacturer.'"
"'Epi-Chia. Now you can remove unsightly Chia growth from upper lip, legs, bikini area, and small clay figurines. Painless and electronic. Almost tickles once you get used to it.' Yeah, right! 'Instantly cauterizes major blood vessels. Battery operated. 32-volt drycell not included. 32 buckazoids. Not available in the spiral arm.'"
"'Dandy Recipe Beamer. Imagine the situation:' OK. 'The ambassador from Kerona is coming for dinner,' Not to my house, he's not going to. 'And all you have handy is is a can of condensed Cream-of-Orat soup and a box of nano-wafers. You punch the appropriate buttons on your Recipe Beamer and instantly we beam the perfect recipe to you! Over 18 trillion recipes collected from all over the universe just to make meal planning easier. 455 buckazoids. Estimated date of uplink: November, 2803.'"
"'Cyber-Depunker. If your offspring is turning out to be 'just another rotten cyberpunk', you need the Dandy Cyber-Depunker. Works while your child sleeps to replace black-market implants and removes anti-productive attitudes. May cause some motor-impairment and memory loss, but isn't that a small price to pay? Battery operated.' 580 buckazoids? That's not a very small price to pay! 'Currently under U.C.C. investigation.'"
"'Armatroid 2500. A remote control toy for all ages. The Armatroid 2500 is a mobile robotic arm that can swivel, turn, pick up light objects, tear wings off of flies, disembowel small mammals, and perform elective surgery. Teaches hand-eye coordination, elementary physics, and self-control. 35 buckazoids.' Sold out?! Man... I might have gotten that."
"'YoBot, the Ramboid Robot. Having YoBot in the house is like having an extra playmate around. Armed to the teeth with bazookas, laser pistols, and an authentic live nuclear warhead! Responds to voice commands with an authoritative, 'Yo!'.' 69 buckazoids?! Discontinued!? Guh, all the good stuff is gone!"
"'Real-Rustic Whether Radio. Hours of fun! Press the bar and get a burst of static. If you can figure out whether or not it's a radio, you're smarter than we are. Ability to pull in stations and reproduce sounds not included. 20 buckazoids. Due to delay in manufacturing, this item is not yet available.' What's new with this catalog?"
"'Real-Rustic Universal Remote Control. Control the entire universe with one remote control. Open garage doors on other planets. Turn off crucial life-support systems on passing spaceships. Terrify primitive cultures. Requires one AAA battery, not included. 1,050 buckazoids. Sold out.'"
"That's not a very small price to pay."
"What's new with this catalog?"