Roger Wilco the Captain: A Man Evolved (Ad Nauseum) is an interview with Roger Wilco in the The Official Guide To Roger Wilco's Space Adventures (Second Edition).
Roger Wilco the Captain: A Man Evolved (Ad Nauseum)[]
Author's Note: This interview took place after Roger's fifth documented space adventures. Better grab your bucket.
A little red-faced, but not too shake, Roger Wilco lifts himself off the floor of the Goliath's bridge. Once again, while attempting his best "Captain Kirk bridge posture," he manages to send the captain's chair twirling. Meanwhile, his butt meets the floor.
"Gee, I hope you won't say anything about this. I think the furniture polish they use around here's a little waxy. Makes for lots of slip-ups."
This is the second time in a number of years I've had the opportunity to interview the legendary Wilco, janitor-turned-hero and now turned-starship captain. The last time we came face to face, he slipped in his own wax. But this is a different Roger. This is a commander, a captain with a crew, one who gives orders--well, sort of.
Once again, I study his average Joe Blow face and wonder: Are all of those deep lines a hero's reward? What stories do they tell? Years of experience....Or again, are they just the result of even more exposure to corrosive cleaners? In any event, I explain that my purpose is the same as before--to talk about the real Roger Wilco--the man behind the...captain's chair. And besides, I can't wait to hear the juicy tidbits about Beatrice Wankmeister. No wonder Wilco thinks he's arrived.
Author: Roger...or rather, Captain now... let's talk about what's happened now that you've moved onto to commanding a starship. But first, do you have any regrets about leaving janitorial work?
Roger: Well...(ahem)...the proper term is sanitation engineering, and I'd really prefer people to use it. But going back to your question, no way!--I don't regret a thing. I knew I'd make captain someday if I waited long enough--and I did! I spent half my life cleaning up everyone else's slop. No way I'd go back to that crappy job again.
Author:But in a way, you did return to it. After all, the Eureka' was a garbage scow. Your job was to seek out large trash bags orbiting planets in your sector and suck them into the Eureka's garbage compactor. Isn't that correct?
Roger: Was' is the key word. The Eureka's blown to bits now, and since there's no Captain Quirk hanging around, looking for ways to do me in out of jealously...well, hey, who's going to have the nerve to assign Captain Roger Wilco to garbage-scow duty after I save the universe from that mutant blob?
Author: So you say you have no regrets. What about cheating on your Starcon Aptitude Test?
Roger: Cheat?!...(gulp)...Who me?
Author: Yes, you. Apparently someone saw your eyes glued to your neighbor's answer sheet, and that someone snitched. Besides, if you didn't cheat, why did your voice just now sound an octave higher when you said, "Who me?"?
Roger: Wait a minute! My voice isn't high-pitched. I'm a starship captain-not some squealing girly-man. And I didn't cheat!...By the way, which way did that person say he saw me look--to the left or right?
Author: Forget it, Rog; your cover's blown. Let's move on to something else. Want to tell me what's going on with Beatrice Wankmeister?
Roger: Oh, Beatrice! Now that's a topic I could go on about forever! She's bee-u-tee-ful, don't you think? Have you ever seen anyone so drop-dead gorgeous in your life?
Author: Yeah, that was real attractive when she belched in your face.
Roger: Hey, wait a minute! She'd just come out of the cryogenics chamber, remember? She'd been all frozen and then thawed out. At least she didn't spew mutant phlegm. Anyone could have had that reaction after going through cryogenics and almost becoming a mutant. I know I would have!
Author: No surprise there--you're definitely two peas in a pod. What kind of boxers were you wearing when she pulled your drawers off?
Roger: Uh...I don't recall.
Author: Didn't they have little space men all over them?
Roger: Uh...well, maybe. I told you, I can't remember. Can't we talk about something else?
Author: Okay, going back to that phlegm thing, how did you manage to keep that mutant's green chunks from landing all over your face when he had you pinned down on Klorox II?
Roger: Uh, well first of all, let me explain something. Those mutants developed superhuman strength once they were infected with that hazardous-waste bacteria--you know, the stuff that made them mutate. Under any other circumstances, I'd have splattered that guy from one end of the greenhouse to the other.
Now, to answer your question, I relied on my cunning and wit and my natural survival instincts to approximate what I thought would be the time to lapse between each spit. I determined that I would need two seconds between spits to turn my head back and forth. Each time missing the mutant's phlegm by only a hair. My calculations were exact.
Author: You just said they were approximate.
Roger: Uh...well...like I said, they turned out to be exact. I wouldn't have survived if it weren't for my computer brain.
Author: Or the help of your navigation officer, Droole. Right?
Roger: Well, yeah, Droole was there for me. But look at how many times I saved his butt!
Author: Anything ever happen between you and Flo?
Roger: No! No way!
Author: Why, because she's green?
Roger: No, of course not! That has nothing to do with it!...She's weird, okay? Besides, there's only one woman for me, and that's Beatrice Wankmeister.
Author: What about Gladys?
Roger: Gladys who?
Author: You, now the communications expert you were so taken with on that Xenon orbital station? The one you could never get to go out with you?
Roger:Oh...uh...I don't think I ever actually asked her out. Besides, I was too busy saving the universe for much of a social life back then.
Author: Oh, come on Rog, you remember. The girl from Estros? The one you met in your future?
Roger: Uh...I told you in the last interview that I didn't have any recollection of a planet called Estros or any time travels period!
Author: Then I'll refresh your memory--being captured and nearly tortured by those Estros gals?
Roger: No way! It's like I told you before--no bunch of girls captured me! Those Two Guys from Andromeda made up the whole thing! I told you that before! I'm gonna sue their--
Author: Okay, okay; don't get in a tizzy! But speaking of being captured, you did just about lose it with that womanoid, W-D40.
Roger: Yeah, but I managed to outsmart her. I didn't get where I am today without knowing something.
Author: And exactly where are you today?
Roger: Well...er...I'm sitting here on the Goliath waiting for my next command assignment. And I'm sure it will be major! I'm talking five-year mission, crew of 500, the whole shebang!
Author: Oh...uh, of course. Well, um, one last question for you, Roger: Whatever happened to Spikey?
Roger: Well...(ha ha)...er, Spikey sort of turned out to be a Spikette. And now there are a lot of little Spikes and Spikettes running around jumping on faces.
Author: So who's the daddy?
Roger: I'm not sure, but I think it might have been one of those little fellows that came out of the EVA Pod room. Quite a few of them sauntered out of the west wall panel in the back there...but I didn't really think much of it at the time--I was so busy with everything else. And I never caught one in Spike...er, Spikette's...tank.
Author: What a happy litle family. Well, thanks for your time. Rog, and happy space questing.
Roger: Hey, don't mention it.
Captain Roger Wilco isn't exactly the awkward, self-effacing spaz-oid he was before. Now that his title has changed form janitor...oh, excuse me--sanitation engineer...to captain, his ego seems to have inflated slightly out of proportion. Factor in the Beatrice Wankmeister variable and you've got yourself an egomaniacal spaz-oid. We're talking full-blown, full-of-himself, balloon head! We know he's big enough for the universe--he's proven that five times. The question now is, Is the universe big enough for him? Stay tuned.