The Space Quest series is just chock full of memorable and humorous quotations. Admit it--you probably have at least a few favorites of your own. Below, you'll find some classic lines from Roger's many galactic misadventures. If you would like to add a quotation of your own to this list, please edit below, but be sure to include who said them, in which game they were said, and the general context of the quote! In the meantime, enjoy Quoth the Janitor...
"Not far below you is a large horizontal plane which proves beneficial in maximizing the exploitation of gravity."
--Narrator, upon checking out the ground on Kerona (contributed by Jess)
"Mommy, how come all the other kids in class get new mops and I don't?"
--Roger, hallucinating from thirst on Kerona (contributed by Jess)
"That's right. You have no head. That darn pool must have been filled with acid. You obviously can't go on living that way."
--Narrator, after Rog sips from the pool on Kerona (contributed by Diane)
"It appears that you are up the proverbial estuary without a means of locomotion."
--Keronian alien, assessing Roger's situation (contributed by Jess)
"If the robot droid could laugh, which it is not programmed to do, it would do so. Your pulseray is only effective against living opponents!"
--Narrator, after Rog fires on the droid (contributed by Jess)
Sarien Guard: "Hey bud, what's with the helmet indoors?"
Roger: "Ssshh! I'm hiding from the boss."
--As Roger sneaks around the Deltaur in disguise (contributed by Jess)
Roger: "Gotta light?"
Sarien Guard: "Sorry, don't drink."
--Aboard the Deltaur (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"The odor coming from your person makes you regret skipping last month's shower."
--Narrator, when Roger smells himself (contributed by Roland Jones)
"Better not. You're likely to get a fur ball."
--Narrator, when Roger tastes himself (contributed by Roland Jones)
"This is Blanche. You had been wanting to get to know her a bit better. Unfourtunately, seeing her like this is reveals more of her than you wanted to know."
--Narrator, as Roger examines a dead crewmate (contributed by Roland Jones)
"We rejoin our friend and semi-hero, Roger Wilco as he travels back to his home planet Xenon, which he hasn't seen since Space Quest II. "
--Narrator, during introduction (contributed by Divalium)
"It's you--Roger Wilco: Space Guy."
--Narrator, as Roger looks at himself (contributed by Seth Dahlgren)
""Now where am I?" You wonder aloud to nonexistent auditory organs. "This place sure looks homey...HEY WAIT! This looks just like Xenon. IT IS XENON! It's...it's...it's really a pile." Along with the changes induced by an armed conflict, the city looks different, more modern, with a heavy dash of post-disaster seasoning. After casually glancing at the status line, you happen to notice that you're in Space Quest XII. What's happened? Who was that guy with the overdeveloped hairdryer? Why did you let yourself get talked into jumping into some strange, shimmering hole? Why are you talking to yourself? These strange and intriguing questions will quickly be forgotten, with barely an electron stirred in that well-armored orb atop your shoulders "
--Narrator, as Roger first appears in SQ12
"This rough area tastes strangely like blood. Oh, that is blood! You shredded your tongue! Your mother should have warned you about licking strange areas."
--Narrator, Xenon Sewer System (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"Let me go, bi...er, witch!"
--Roger, facing torture by the Latex Babes (contributed by Datadog)
"We're glad you could play Space Quest IV. As usual, you've been a real pantload!"
--Narrator, death message
"It smells like cotton candy, roses, and fresh roasted peanuts. Yeah, right."
--Narrator, Xenonian sewers (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"Sucking on a bottle of ketchup doesn't seem to satisfy you, no matter what the government says."
--Narrator, upon tasting ketchup (contributed by Datadog)
--Narrator, when Roger tries to lick himself (contributed by Sarah J.)
"Ahh! The aroma of several adventure games emanates from your person."
--Narrator, when Roger sniffs himself (contributed by Sarah J.)
"It's a button with a strange symbol on it. Perhaps it means 'self-destruct', or maybe 'change return.'"
--Narrator, in Timepod (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"The powerful Quad Quark drives rev TO LIFE! Time and space BEND under the tribulations of the time-rip transfluxers. Your adrenaline (and stomach) REEL with the hyperbolic hyprivaly! And finally...FINALLY...nothing much happens. That must have been an invalid code. Try again."
--Narrator, upon entering an incorrect combination on the Timepod.
"Watch out for that first step! That was a looooong first step."
--Narrator, as Rog strolls off the edge of Vohaul's compound
Monolith Manager: Would you like to apply for a job?
Roger: I can cook.
Manager: Sorry, but no dice, what with you being female and all.
Roger: Why, you cheap chauvinist pig!
--Roger applying for a job in drag (contributed by Datadog)
"Mmm...wild berry!"
--Roger, after tasting red building on Xenon (contributed by Jess)
"Scratching your head doesn't make it work any better. It only loosens unsightly dandruff."
--Narrator, when Roger's feeling pensive (contributed by Diane)
"I'm sorry, I lost my boots and the legs of my pants in a deadly fight with a giant seaslug, which I won in the nick of time with my clever thinking and my, uh... cleverness."
--Roger, while procuring pants at the Galleria (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"You'll hit your head and say: 'Boy, how stupid could I have been. A moron could've figured this out. I must be a real dimwit. A pathetic nimnal. A wretched idiotic excuse for a human being for not having figured these simple puzzles out in the first place!'"
--Narrator, describing the SQ4 hintbook (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"Augh! You had to taste it! Well, you now know it tastes more like dead gerbils than cotton candy."
--Narrator, upon licking the Arcade (contributed by Datadog)
"You sure ask a lot of questions for a janitor!"
--Roger Jr., noting Roger's inquisitive nature (contributed by Diane)
"You obviously don't resemble a blonde woman. What a surprise."
--Narrator, as Roger tries the ATM without his disguise (contributed by Jess)
"You never noticed how much adventure game players tend to smell like potato chips, beer, and money."
--Narrator, Galaxy Galleria (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"As you change your clothes, you notice you have INCREDIBLE animal magnetism....or maybe that's just a lack of deoderant?"
--Narrator, as Rog changes at the Galaxy Galleria (contributed by Yogi Nova)
"I taste like crunchy toejam sauteed in vinegar!"
--Pickle, in Monolith Burger Assembly Line (contributed by Datadog)
"Ain't you the guy that broke my slot machine?"
--Keronian Bartender, recognizing Roger (contributed by Liam Smith)
"Take it from someone who knows sick: licking corpses is going waaay beyond demented."
--Narrator, after Roger tastes the deceased Sequel Policeman on Estros (contributed by Jess)
Sequel Policeman: Help! A giant branch has penetrated my vital organs, and I can't get up!
Narrator: Seriously, do you really think this guy has time to talk to you? He's too busy being dead!
--Bird's nest on Estros (contributed by Hans Christian van Nijkerk)
"That's your head, Roger. Now, USE IT FOR SOMETHING!"
--Narrator, upon examining Rog's cranium (contributed by Diane)
"You give the plant a lick. Suddenly your sinuses clear up!"
--Narrator, when Roger licks plants in front of Radio Shock (contributed by Datadog)
"As much as we'd enjoy watching you get in trouble, we must advise you that this type of behaviour is universally considered either rude or amorous, which could end up getting you either killed or married."
--Narrator, when Roger licks Galaxy Galleria customers (contributed by Datadog)
"The plants are bolted down because of people like you!"
--Narrator, when Roger tries to nick a plant (contributed by Datadog)
Roger: Let's boogie, girls!
(Roger dances around)
Roger: I sure know how to bust a move.
--Roger, clicking on the far left mannequin in Sacks while in drag (contributed by Datadog)
"It smells a little like Pebbles and a little like the Rubbles."
--Narrator, when Roger sniffs the rubble in the southwest corner of Xenon (contributed by Datadog)
"The Pavement has lost that wonderful wet-tar smell you loved so much as a kid."
--Narrator, when Roger smells the road in the west part of Xenon (contributed by Datadog)
"Good thing it's not below freezing, or you'd end up spending the whole game with your tongue stuck to the frozen metal."
--Narrator, when Roger licks the pillar on Xenon (contributed by Datadog)
"It tastes okay, but you generally prefer your rubble extra chunky."
--Narrator, when Roger eats the rubble on Xenon (contributed by Datadog)
"The pipes have the tangy taste of 100% real steel, basted with slime, and rusted to a delicate crunch."
--Narrator, as Roger tastes the sewer pipes (contributed by Datadog)
"You look out at the city you were born in decades ago. You're sure glad you weren't here when this devastation happened. You might have been hurt. On the bright side, you won't have to pay those delinquent traffic tickets."
--Narrator, as Roger looks out over Xenon from the timepod (contributed by Datadog)
"Those are unshielded quark power cables. No telling what they're doing to your DNA genetic structures right now."
--Narrator, as Roger examines the pipes next to him in the timepod (contributed by Datadog)
"This is a manual keypad. The voice-activated model won't be out until SQ14 or so."
--Narrator, as Roger tries to talk to the timepod keypad (contributed by Datadog)
Roger: What's going on in there?
Guy: The Two Geeks from Andromeda are in there signing copies of their latest release!
Roger: What's going on in there?
Guy: I just told ya! The Two Geeks from Andromeda are in there signing copies of their latest release!
Roger: What's going on in there?
Guy: Beat it, jerk!
Roger: What's going on in there?
Narrator: There is no reply.
--Talking to crowd in front of software store
"Now this is a pain that'll linger. All the Ben Gay in Florida won't relieve that stiffness."
--Narrator, after the Latex Babes shoot Roger with their spear guns (contributed by Michael Etter)
"The things folks do for fashion..."
--Roger, checking out Sack's at the Galaxy Galleria (contributed by Daniel Lagerkvist)
"That was, without a doubt, one of the finest examples of bunny snatching I've ever seen!"
--Narrator, as Roger snags the bunny (contributed by Brad)
"You lick a thick smear of filth off the street, finding the taste unpleaseant. You quickly swallow it. What a smart person you are."
--Narrator, on the streets of Xenon (contributed by Brad)
"Go ahead, take a good ol' lick of ol' Mr. Mustard. You'll be sorry."
--Mustard, in Monolith Burger (contributed by Robert Todd)
"I've always wanted to see a MAN shave with one of these, but I guess you'll do..."
--Madame Thoreen to Roger, regarding the Epi-Rip (contributed by Robert Todd)
"Smoking is bad for your health."
--Narrator, after Roger is shot by the Sequel Police (contributed by Robert Todd)
"You look pretty pathetic hanging underneath a pterodactyl."
--Narrator, as Roger gets carried away on Estros (contributed by Robert Todd)
"Hey, keep your hands off yourself! This is a family game."
--Narrator, as Roger uses the hand icon on himself (contributed by Natzat)
"Zap, zap! You're dead."
--Narrator, after Roger is killed in the Skate-O-Rama (contributed by Mike)
"While enjoying this banquet of fashion, you wonder what you might look like in one of these cute little frocks. Hey, what kinda thing is that for a studly guy like YOU to be thinking? Get a hold of yourself, fella!"
--Narrator, when Roger tries to grab a dress in Sacks (contributed by Wayne Fang)
"The change machine looks like a time machine more than a time machine looks like a time machine... for a change."
--Narrator, as Roger examines in the change machine in the arcade (contributed by Wayne Fang)
"Very well. You give the moving walkway a warm kiss. Now you both feel special."
--Narrator, as Roger tries to smooch the Galleria walkways (contributed by Wayne Fang)
"Hey, keep your hands off yourself! This is a family game."
--Narrator, upon clicking the hand icon on Roger. (contributed by Seth Dahlgren)
"Admiral Toolman: "The Star Con Federation has reached it's decision. Roger Wilco, please step forward" Footsteps are heard, a cat screeches, crashes are heard. Roger steps into the light with stuff still attached to his leg. Toolman: "Commander Wilco, you have been accused of the following crimes: abandoning your post, deviating from mission paremeters, misuse of Star Con property, and consorting with a female of higher rank. Do you have anything to say before we pronounce sentence?" Roger:"Uh.....can't you guys take a joke?" Toolman:"Do you have anything intelligent to say before we pronounce sentence?" Roger:"Uh....nope.
--opening, as Roger is courtmartialed
"Gee, I hope everything came out with me."
--Roger, after escaping the Polysorbate LX pavement (contributed by Seth Dahlgren)
"Wilco! Have you been whiffing cleaning fluid again?"
--Kielbasa, after Roger receives a message from Stellar (contributed by Datadog)
"Don't touch that. We don't know where you've been."
--Narrator, throughout game (contributed by James Zeidler)
"Make me a double Uvula Spritzer, twist of fleck rind, and I want it hacked and whipped, not like one of those shaken or stirred sissy drinks!"
Roger: Why only 97.2%?
Manuel: I only said 97.2% to sound more hip to our audience. It's better than saying 100%.
Roger: Oh, sorry.
Manuel: Don't apologize to me. It's the folks playing that you've ruined it for.
--Endodroid, threatening Roger (contributed by Divalium)
"What's so futuristic and wonderful about shimmery sheets?"
--Narrator, upon examining Roger's bed (contributed by Jess)
"It's a bottle of morphin, which you actually thought was morphine! DOI!"
--Narrator, upon using the morphin (contributed by Diane)
"It appears that vice is more profitable than most business ventures."
--Narrator, on Polysorbate LX (contributed by Divalium)
"Oh, yeah, real smart. Let's go poking around inside a pod that's probably carrying a half-dozen miniature face-hugging, saliva-dripping, face-eating exo-skeletal alien piranha things. And while we're at it, let's split up so that we're all alone and defenseless, okay?"
--Narrator, upon examining ship in Shuttlebay (contributed by Jess)
--Kielbasa, thanking the DS-86 crew (contributed by Divalium)
"For a transwarp class starship, this thing sure feels like it's made from particle board."
--Roger, aboard the Deepship (contributed by Diane)
"I'm not going down there! A man has to draw the line somewhere, and I'm drawing it at the er... colon."
--Roger, while exploring Stellar's body (contributed by Elec)
"This is the Shuttle cockpit. In the real game, I will sit here. I will be smart. I will make it go. I will make things work."
--Roger, in SQ6 demo (contributed by Jess)
"We named the game after these. You know, Space Quest Sox."
--Narrator, upon examining Rog's laundry (contributed by Diane)
"Wow! FREE birdseed! And so conveniently placed under a huge boulder, too!"
--Narrator, exploring the Information Superhighway (contributed by Metal Man)
"I guess you expect us to say something corny, like 'Klingons in Sector 2-8, Captain!'"
--Narrator, after clicking on "Sectors" in the Windows parody (contributed by Metal Man)
Narrator: You mistake the elevator wallpaper for lickable wallpaper and give it a lick.
Roger: Hey! The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!
--In the elevator (contributed by Metal Man)
"I'm Roger Wilco and I'll kick your @$$! I know where you live."
--Roger, during the Renegade Credits (contributed by Metal Man)
"You seem to recall hearing something about this contraption, it's called a bike. People actually used to get on these, and use their own muscles to achieve locomotion. What losers."
Roger: A mistake. But my friends call me Roger. Roger Wilco.
--In the arcade (contributed by Christian Giegerich)
"Only time--and money--will tell."
--Narrator, pondering the future of the SQ series (contributed by Christian Giegerich)
"WILCO! YOU FOOL!"
--Kielbasa, as Roger steals the shuttle (contributed by Christian Giegerich)
"So you like the worm, huh? You like to ride the worm, huh? I LET you ride the worm!"
--Narrator, as Roger rides the tapeworm again (contributed by Christian Giegerich)
"Do you know about the animator who killed himself? Yeah, he couldn't draw his own breath!"
--Roger, during credits (contributed by Christian Giegerich)
"These are the credits. We call them credits because we can't really afford to pay anybody until more people buy the game."
--Roger, during the end credits (contributed by RW)
"Bite me, Commander."
--Roger, when Kielbasa orders him to return to the Deepship (contributed by Glenn)
"Fortunately, the process is reversible. There are some things that you can't afford to have any smaller."
--Narrator, after Roger Wilco has been shrunk by Dr. Belleauxs (contributed by GooseGuy)
"You missed. Ha!"
--Narrator, as Roger is modifying the datacorder (contributed by Joe Cassara)
"Oh, momma! I'm guessing one too many burritos for the last guy in here."
--Narrator, as Roger opens the porta-toilet in Cyberspace (contributed by Scott Searcy)
"Hey, you forgot your fish!"
--Nigel Rancid as Roger nearly leaves his fish behind (contributed by Yogi Nova)
"You drool in that general direction, but no one notices."
--Narrator, as Roger tries talking to various inanimate objects (contributed by Jason Shearer)
"Button, button, who's got the button? I crack me up."
--Roger, talking to Mr. Soylent unit (contributed by Jason Shearer)
"Why don't you just say, 'Hey, mister. I've always wanted to catch a really good look at the inside of my colon. Perhaps you can help me.'"
--Narrator, as Roger tries to grab a nitro sucker in the Orion's Belt (contributed by saywhat97)
"Of all the soles I've encountered in my travels, hers were the most... SCUFF RESISTANT."
--Roger, reading Stellar's eulogy (contributed by Ryan Henneboehle)
"I hope I never get so far gone that I start talking to myself... like... this."
--Roger, conversing with himself on Polysorbate (contributed by Brent)
"This guy wishes he had a clothes pin right about now."
--Narrator, describing Orion's Belt patron in line for restroom (contributed by Brent)
"Picking up your clothes? Dammit, Roger! You're a janitor, not a responsible adult!"
--Narrator, as Roger tries to straighten up his quarters (contributed by Brent)
"Bet you can't fit that thing into your pants. Guess I was wrong; it does fit. There must be plenty of spare room in there."
--Narrator, as Roger picks up the board in Cyberspace (contributed by Brent)
"Hey buddy get your paws outta' my tips, or I'll liberate your favorite organ. I'll even let you choose."
--Waitress-bot as Roger tries to nab her tips (contributed by Robert Todd)
Roger: Is anyone in there?
Narrator: You hear oohs, aahs, grunts, and growls. Perhaps whoever's in there is just trying to get a little wookie.
--Talking to the Star Wars shuttle in the shuttlebay (contributed by David Ruddell)
Narrator: You glance in the mirror. For a moment, you can almost see a silk-clad brunette overacting in a stone tower.
Roger: Mother! Mother! Come quick!
--KQ6 parody, when looking at the mirror in the SQ6 demo (contributed by David Ruddell)
"That's not recommended. That'll either get you an appendaged removed, or a date you don't really want."
--Narrator, when Roger touches the desk guy at the Dew Beam Inn (contributed by Catherine)
"You notice your firm, muscular fingers... the graceful bone structure... the elegant blood blister under your thumb. These are a MAN's hands! Grr!"
--Narrator, when Roger looks at his hand while working with the Datacorder (contributed by Rebecca)
"Please to note the location of my hand as I begin the narcotic chant of cinematic morphine."
--Ptooie, demonstrating the Vulgar nerve pinch (contributed by Rebecca)
"That's right! I'm Roger Wilco, dammit! Man of action! Savior of the galaxy! A man trapped in the body of a woman! Wait, that, uh, didn't come out right."
--Roger, after taking in the view from Stellar's stomach a few times (contributed by Rebecca)
"This looks like Stellar's choice-of-men center. It looks a little odd."
--Roger, observing the brain panels in Stellar's body (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"There's got to be a optics problem with that machine. I look, uh, partially digested!"
--Roger, after exiting the photo booth (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"She says, 'Scromp off! You little Felchmonger!'"
--Narrator, when Roger looks at a woman on the streets of Polysorbate (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"I'm not touching that! And YOU can't make me!"
--Roger, refusing to touch a dead rat (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"Hey, buddy--get your paws outta my tips, or I'll liberate your favorite organ. I'll even let you choose. OR, you can LEAVE my tips alone, and you won't have to worry about that decision. It's up to you."
--Waitron, when Roger tries to steal her tips (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"You bet your palette, you little 32x32 pixel momma!"
--Roger, speaking to Sis Inny in Cyberspace (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"It's the tank of nitro I drug over here. Weren't you paying attention?"
--Roger, making sure that the player is up to speed (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"Nyah, nyah, nyah! Cheaters never prosper!"
--Narrator, when Roger activates the file room Easter egg (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"You have nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch."
--Narrator, when Roger's pockets are empty. (contributed by AdrianCoyote)
"Good thing you didn't opt for that second set of prints after all. Looks like that guy won't be giving any complaints to the Portable Business Association."
--Narrator, after a customer is eaten by the Polysorbate LX photo booth.
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